I do not believe that we can be a Global Sustainable Society without living in a way that resolves conflict in a peaceful way. That literally means that violence in all its forms, intrapersonally, interpersonally, interculuturally, against women, and against the natural world has to become obsolete. Conflict is inherent in life, but violence is an induced and conditioned reaction that serves no true purpose, except to create trauma with which the hierarchies control us. So, we need to differentiate between natural conflict and its violent expression, which is a conditioned reaction.
We have become so inured to violent conflict as a natural and continuous part of our lives that even though we may lament its presence in our lives, we accept it without question. All that violence does is create trauma. We have whole fields of therapy to deal with the consequences of violence. It happens at the personal, the interpersonal, within groups, withing neighborhoods, and all the way up to national levels with countries and alliances inflicting violence and trauma on the human species and the natural world.
In recent posts I discussed war and why it has to become an obsolete phenomenon (e.g. Miscellaneous Musings – Part 15: War: What is it good for? {October 2023}). War is a political tool we have been conditioned to accept since the city empire days of several millennia ago. Violence is a conditioned reaction of the ego’s need to be comfortable in defense of its certainty in uncertain times of change (see previous post). We like to find reasons to blame others or something for changes that make us uncomfortable. Being the victim justifies our violent reactions. But this violence is not the natural state of being human, despite its prevalence in our lives.
Conflict Jungian psychoanalyst, Mary Esther Harding, recognized that conflict was just an expression of individual human sovereignty, “Conflict is the beginning of Consciousness.” What this implies is that rather than seeing conflict as a negative, we need to see it as an opportunity to grow and learn from each other. Because of the violence aspect of conflict, many people have been conditioned to be conflict avoidant, or to lash out reactively when having to deal with it, e.g., according to the Harvard Business Review, 46% of the time managers will not hold their people accountable to avoid conflict. Of course that is because people want to be liked and loved, and so suppress themselves rather than open up to constructive dialogue that might create conflict.
As a college teacher, I was evaluated by my students at the end of every class. It was always anonymous of course, so while many may have rated me highly, I was always amazed by the ‘complaints’ and downright nastiness of some students comments. Now I could have wallowed in self-pity at why these students didn’t ‘like’ the me or the material I taught that term, but I always felt more sadness that if they had problems, they never came to talk to me about what it was they felt they needed. I actually like and learn from criticism, although “he was a pompous asshole” commentary offered me little to work on – specifics are everything.
Whatever it was, some conflict was occurring but no option for resolution could occur without dialogue. These people were ‘conflict avoidant.’ I’ve no doubt they felt this way about many situations in their lives. They had been conditioned to bottle up their feelings and sidestep discussing important issues with others, as anger festered below the conscious surface of their ego’s. Conflict avoidance can damage relationships and harm once’s mental health to avoid rocking the boat and focus on ‘people pleasing’ as a way of muddling through life. Although this sounds simplistic, violence is an expression of the suppressed frustrations caused by constrained and unresolved conflict.
All too often, conflict is a process of polarization and receding opportunity where people find opposition as a reason to shift to opposing camps about an issue, increase friction over disagreement, resulting in a fortifying of their position by overstating their case, which then creates further distance between themselves. I wonder how many wars have started over minor conflicts that escalated quickly out of control. At its most basic level, I think the World War One started out as minor conflicts between the Royal houses of Europe that ultimately dragged tens of millions into armed warfare.
Conflict is a problem when it triggers unresolved emotional issues that unconsciously ‘trigger’ feelings of hurt, disappointment, discomfort, and feelings of alienation. These can involve society at many levels, such as: by different lifestyles of people belonging to other social groups; socio-economic reasons; unfair access to resources and certain activities; different understanding among individuals about social norms and rules of behavior; contradictions between society and government structures; organizational structures; limitations on resources; task interdependence; goal incompatibility; personality differences, and communication challenges, etc., etc., etc. People get pissed off for myriads of reasons, but conflict only becomes a problem when it is not faced head on before it festers or is triggered by unconscious conditioning.
Conflict is a natural phenomenon that occurs any time an individual has to deal with something that is not in accord with their beliefs. When they don’t consciously recognize what their beliefs are, it just makes dealing with alternative life interpretations that much more difficult. Conflict is always inevitable simply because everyone (literally) is different, think differently, and have needs and wants that often do not match. It’s just a part of life and relationships. As such it is really about learning to accept differences as positive and not negative.
You want to be recognized as a unique person. Becoming authentic in yourself and self-actualized is what we all ideally want to be. That means recognizing that uniqueness in everybody. If you can accept that conflict itself is not a problem but an opportunity to learn and grow then you are a big step to becoming authentic, because you stop reacting and start responding mindfully. I’ve talked about mindfulness a lot (see Mindfulness and Metacognition as category search terms), and using conflict as a positive cognitive tool involves being mindful! Seeing conflict as a resource, rather than a reason to get angry, leads to learning, growth and change. Indeed, change, and acceptance of it, cannot happen without some form of conflict.
Humanity has spent millennia, and you personally your whole life, being provoked by conflict into unconscious reactions that escalate into negative emotional outcomes. Sometime they get resolved, often not, and trauma is too often a result that leads to further negative conflict. Recognizing how you react is a first step in preventing conflict from going negatively and using it for a positive outcome instead. Do you know your conflict style? You can recognize it when you have a disagreement with someone – how do you react and what do you do?
There is a whole field of psychology devoted to understanding conflict and conflict resolution, but understanding how you react helps you to find ways of responding positively to be able to form connections with others and strengthen your relationships. Coming from a place of kindness is a big step as well and listening to others, really listening, is a crucial part of preventing conflict becoming violent. Even if you are collaborating, accommodating, or compromising, if you are still avoiding conflict, then you have work to do for the new world ahead.
“I’m tired boss… I’m tired of people being ugly to each other… I’m tired of all the pain I feel and hear everyday in the world. There’s too much of it” John Coffey, The Green Mile.
To Be Continued …………..
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